What's a Blog Without Pointless Lists?

Listening to Howard Stern last week, there was a debate over the top ten greatest superhero movies. Howard's stylist Ralph Cirillo decided that Tim Burton's Batman was the greatest superhero movie ever, and that Batman Returns was the second best.

He also put X-Men 3 on the list, and included Rise of the Silver Surfer, thus invalidating any opinion he has about movies.

So, from my view in the cheap seats, here are the 1o Greatest Superhero Movies:


10) Blade - Because he kills vampires in hilarious ways.

9) Superman 2 - It's really campy, but the storyline is great, and Superman doesn't turn back time by simply flying really fast around the earth in the opposite direction that it spins (which would fling us all into space, and kill us all. Plus I hate when Superman controls EVERYTHING). Zod is a great character, and Gene Hackman + Ned Beatty + Christopher Reeves is a strong ensemble.

8) Batman, the Tim Burton version - A classic. I can remember going to see this when I was like 6. Even the soundtrack is great. Still, it's the performances that carry the movie. It's way too campy to be taken too seriously.

7) The Hulk - The Eric Bana version, obviously. It was really underrated, and watching the Hulk just punch stuff and throw tanks into mountains will never get old.

6) X-Men - It's good, but not spectacular. A good way to get things started, and takes itself seriously, which was revolutionary in superhero-dom at the time.

5) Iron Man - Great movie. Not transcendent, but great nonetheless. Robert Downey, Jr. is like the casting call of the century, and the CGI is incredible.

4) Superman Returns - A lot of people hated it, but I thought it brought together all of the elements that make Superman great, and tied it up in a neat little Christ allegory package (a necessity for any good Superman story arc). Brian Singer is an amazing director, and his craft and love for the story shines through. He makes Superman seem like an alien struggling to understand and emulate humanity...which is exactly the point of Superman. Plus Kevin Spacey saves all of his greatest performances for Brian Singer movies (see also: The Usual Suspects). Highly underrated, and really destroyed Singer's street cred with the great unwashed. Still, I'm glad he made this. It helped soften the blow of not getting to see him direct X-Men 3 (which was probably the worst movie I've ever seen in a theater...and I was hammered when I saw it).

3) Spider-Man - The first of the superhero movies to actually elicit raw emotions from me. It's great to see something from a comic come to life so faithfully on the big screen. Plus, when you're a nerdy kid, it gives you a sense of hope, that maybe, just maybe, one day I'll be bitten by something that will make me awesome. Still waiting, by the way...

2) Batman Begins - Christopher Nolan is another great director that took his time with something spectacular. While the microwave cannon of doom made no sense, that didn't matter, because he had already given us an hour and a half of Bruce Wayne first turning himself into an ass-kicking badass, and then turning himself into an ass-kicking badass who wears a suit that makes him look like a giant Bat Man. I think this was probably the first of the superhero movies that actually gave an honest look at the alter ego of the superhero, even when it wasn't pretty.

1) X-Men 2 - This is still my all time favorite superhero movie, simply because it's perfectly paced, it's full of action, adventure, intrigue, and a cliffhanger that had me squealing in my seat like a 12 year old girl at a Jonas Brothers concert (too bad the beautiful cliffhanger baby had to come out as a miscarried pile of goo that somehow gave the world an airborne version of Super AIDS). This was everything a great Marvel story arc had. Plus it gave you glimpses of things that were still to come, like when the government attacked the School for the Gifted, and we got a two minute glimpse of Colossus, it was like Singer was saying: "Hey, look everyone. After I get done kissing this cute guy I picked up, I'm going to direct a movie where you'll get to see a lot more of this cool character!" It made the audience simultaneously excited to see Colossus, and excited about the prospect of future Colossus sightings down the line. That's skill!

I'll also say that the sequence where Wolverine starts flipping out and killing all of the soldiers may have aroused me slightly. It was exactly what the audience wanted to happen, and there it was, in wonderful technicolor splendor right in front of us. It was an X-Men fan's dream come to silver screen life.


So let's hear it: where did I go wrong?

Hellllllo Los Angeles Football Team

This may be the funniest news I've ever read, for an organization that I have a natural hatred for:

FALCONS SIGN RYAN TO $72 MILLION DOLLAR CONTRACT WITH $35 GUARANTEED


This is hilarious for several reasons:

1) He's going to "compete" with Joey Harrington and Chris Redman for the starting job. This is like saying I "compete" with bull-frogs in a knot tying contest. No, actually, it's akin to saying that I will "compete" with Joey Harrington and Chris Redman for the starting job in Atlanta. I would actually give the bull-frogs a slight chance.

2) His first pass will be an interception.

3) I will be the first to post an animated gif of him throwing the ball into the ass of his lineman/a player from the opposing team, or perhaps hitting himself in the head with the ball (see: THIS).

4) The Falcons, after four straight 0 win seasons, will be forced to start an aging Joey Harrington, pinning their hopes on the great white hope from Oregon. Three weeks later, they will steal away in the middle of the night, like the Baltimore Colts, and suddenly arrive in Los Angeles.

5) Michael Vick will have been ass raped thirteen times and shanked twice in the prison yard by this time.

HA HA! Women "drivers."

Danica Patrick went from being the first woman to win a major Indy Car race in history to becoming the 1950's era stereotype of a panicky, "which one is the gas?" style woman driver in about a week. That's some turnaround!


EXCUSE ME, WHICH WAY IS THE MALL!?!?


Danica, pictured here, is obviously distressed:




And just to be sure that we're all perfectly clear on this, the driving hierarchy remains as so:

1) White (not of hispanic origin) men, Black men, Black women, Hispanics, Slavs, some sort of moderately intelligent ape, and properly trained sewer rats.

2) Women.



Oh, and yes, I am going to Hell for all of this.

This Post Is About Robots

When the robots take control in 2010 (or maybe 2112), and our glorious robot overlords start turning people into machines, this is what I will become:



That robot basically does what I do every day anyway. Hitting things with sticks in rhythm? Check. Running into walls? Check. Falling off of ledges? Check. Almost spilling cranberry juice all over the floor? You butter believe it. Simply replace the human hand in the video with the iron fist of my cold, unfeeling robot master, and you have my future.

Oh, and because I'm supposed to post something about sports or dogs or whatever:

Tigers Trade Grilli, Leave Opening for Pitcher I Hate Most

In the season of ultimate futility, the Tigers would constantly trot out a pitcher who did nothing but give up runs (pwdnbgur). I distinctly remember being at the park and when they announced he was coming into pitch I declared that the opposing team's lead was going to grow. I go to the bathroom and when I come out, sure enough, a home run had been hit and I cursed and wondered why the hell they ever let this putz pitch? His name was Chris Spurling and I hated him.

The Tigers got wise and ditched his bum-ass, meaning they needed to find a new pwdnbgur, knowing their team wouldn't be complete without him. They found that man in Jason Grilli. He'd come in, give up some runs, (maybe) get some outs, and be replaced. Over the past 4 years I had become comfortable with him in this role, knowing that when his number was called the Tigers were going to lose. Now, he's in Colorado and ready to become a dominant relief pitcher and make both the Tigers and I rue that they ever traded him.

So, that leaves and opening for a new pwdnbgur. Who will it be?

Clay Rapada? Not likely. He likes to get outs.

Todd Jones? While good at giving heart attacks, he's also good at getting saves and only giving up runs that don't end up mattering. I think he's safe.

Aquilino Lopez? He has a sub 0.5 ERA. Unless he starts sucking hard fast, he's also safe.

Denny Bautista? Ugliest player on the team and likes to give up runs (despite what his sub 2.5 ERA says). Inherited runners? They score like whoa on this guy. A distinct possibility.

Bobby Seay? High ERA, but a lefty, so is inherently safe.

Zach Miner? 9.00 ERA (but dropping) thanks to back to back awful outings (9 earned runs in 3 innings) in mid-April. But, he tends to be the "long" relief when our starters do what they do best and give up eleventy runs in half an inning. Not safe.

So, it's either Denny Bautista our Zach Miner. Check back over the following weeks for pwdnbgur competition updates to know who I hate most at any given time. Good luck to both of our contestants and look out for dark horse candidates! Also, fuck Chris Spurling.

Achtung!

The University of Michigan football team has somehow upended history and found a better name than Mister Simpson, Junior Hemingway and Coco Crisp COMBINED.


Shavodrick Beaver.


Awesome.

Game 22 - Granderson is the Man-derson once more!

Granderson is back in the line-up and I'm pleased I can use his name to make puns again. Can the winning streak get to 3 games and get us within 4 games of 500? Let's find out!

Boyfriend gonna get PAID

Jake long, seen HERE making Florida stud Derrick Harvey look like my grandmother, will now be getting $57 million over five years (!!!) to stand in front of fat men, and generally push them around.

He's one of those can't miss draft picks, and I'm glad Parcells saw the inherent manly awesomeness that is built into Mr. Long.

This also makes Long the first Wolverine to be picked number one since Tom Harmon (seen HERE doing everything).

Game 21 - Verlander, don't be an ass.

... and finally pitch well for a game. Please? Thanks. Tigers vs. Rangers, let's go.

Nothing to do with anything

After fulfilling my duties as husband, and taking care of a wife who literally broke herself by coughing (she's now so full of opiates that I couldn't injure her if I tried...and lord knows I have tried my best), I was actually able to get out and play a little golf. Knocked home a birdie on 18, and walked way with a flat 90.

Not bad for the first round of the season, but to be fair, the course really played to my strengths. Which is to say it had wide open fairways, and everything curved to the right. Plus I was golfing alone, so my goals were as follows: 1) Play golf.

Normally, when golfing with others, my priorities skew a bit more towards: 1) Drink until sick. 2) Swing clubs aimlessly at white orbs on ground. 3) Fall out of moving cart.


Also, a man from Ohio named Fitzgerald Toussaint has just committed to Michigan. That's pretty great, and continues the fine tradition of having at least one person on the roster who has a funny name. While he is clearly no Mister Simpson (God, what an amazing name), he and Junior Hemingway are going to have to battle it out next year for the "First Annual Coco Crisp/Milton Bradley Award for Most Hilariously Illogical Name in Sports."

Yes, that's right...the Faccmbamhins. A star studded event that will be held in my basement, emceed by yours truly, and sponsored by the case of Labatts that I will drink alone while playing Wii and watching old episodes of Mythbusters.

Tickets and seating space are going fast, so act soon!


Finally:

Game 17 - Nope, still in the cellar.

Let's see how this one turns out. Hopefully better than last night. Check the comments for my continued descent into madness.

Out of the cellar? Game 16

Tigers- Indians. The Tigers are looking to no longer be the worst team in the central division, while the Indians are trying not to become it. Verlander vs. his control (at least through 2 batters). Let's hope the idiotic offense can continue and I can keep regaining my sanity.

Game 13 - When will the pain end?

Bonderman won his last start (!) making him the only Tigers starter to have a win through 12 games (!!!) The Tigers have scored the fewest runs in the league while allowing the most. Turns out, they suck. They suck long and hard. Leyland bitched them out last night, and last time he did that, they turned around and kicked ass for a good long while. Will it happen again? Or will they just keep playing like crap and end up with the worst record in the history of the league? My money's on the later. Tigers - Twins, tonight!

U of M Spring Scrimmage

After watching the Big Ten Network highlights of the spring "game," I have some observations that I would like to make:

1) Kevin Grady looked like Mike Hart, with good lateral movement and the ability to drag an entire linebacker corps for an extra 8 yards.

2) Avery Horn is fast. Fast fast. It's great to see him get into open space and just run as fast as his little legs will carry him. He also blasted up the middle on a goal and one to go situation, which was great to see.

3) Brandon Minor is in super-awesome-Barwis shape, and looks like he can finally see some God damn holes. Unlike in previous years when he danced around fruitlessly behind the line of scrimmage and then fell down.

4) The battered, bruised, and inexperienced offensive line looked like it was...ok. They were opening up holes, and they were getting downfield to set up blocks for the runners. That's great to see.

5) The no-huddle is going to piss some teams off in 2008. I would venture to guess we'll win a couple games just based on the fact that the offense, if it can be even partially effective, will win us games simply by gassing the other team's defense in the second half. I can see our deep running back position being a boon, as well. Tire out the other team's front fatty defensive lineman, swap tailbacks, run Avery horn in the open, gash into secondary, swap in Grady/Brown/Minor/McGuffie and repeat as needed. Simply being in better shape than the other team will carry Meeechigan more than most people think.

6) The qb situation is less than perfect, but Threet actually looked pretty darn good. The scouting report that he has great leadership obviously was dead on, because everything I've heard from eyewitness accounts has him taking excellent control of the offense. He is nice and tall, has good vision, a great release, and is somewhat mobile. His passes seem to have a nice touch to them (OH GOD YES SCREEN PASSES TO MCGUFFIE AND HORN ALL THE TIME PLZ), and the only problem he seemed to have all day was the ball slipping out of his hands a bit on deep balls. Still, Matthews just went up and got them, regardless; something that seems to be genetically inherent in every single quality Michigan wideout.

Sheridan and Cone looked like they had chugged a bottle of absinthe before taking the field, however, and I would venture to guess that if we see either of these two in any substantial way in 2008, we're boned.

Brown (when he gets healthy) and Feagin should be nice additions to Threet, and a two quarterback system running a no-huddle, Leak/Tebow style rope-a-dope will cause teams like Northwestern, Purdue, and Toledo to burst into flames.

7) Everyone looks leaner and meaner than last year. The offensive line is practically skinny, and the defensive line (which I think will be our greatest asset next year) looks great. It's incredible to see Terrance Taylor sans gigantic flabby beer belly.

8) The defensive backs looked pretty good, but that's only because Nick Sheridan was throwing the balls they picked off directly to them.

9) The option looks messy right now, but that's to be expected. They'll attempt it a bunch early next year. We'll either clutch our heads in frustration, or we'll whoop and holler as teams flail around fruitlessly to wrangle a stretched Avery Horn running downfield like an Italian sportscar.

I expect a little of both.

10) And finally, OH GOD WHY CAN'T IT BE AUGUST ALREADY? CLEARLY BASEBALL IS FOLLY THIS YEAR! I NEED FOOTBALL! ARRRRGHGGHGHFFFFFFFF

Game 10 - Mo' Tigers, Mo' Problems

Tigers - Chisox, Willis vs. Contreras. My being able to not drink tonight vs. mind-numbing pain of being World Series bound in the preseason to 1-9 in a week. Let's dance!

Game 9 - And we're back!

After a hiatus in New Orleans (where the Tigers finally won a game!) we're back with game-day type blogging. Also, Wings round 1 action against Nashville tonight. Yay sports!

Game 5 - The D-Train is coming!

Took an afternoon nap, Tigers up 1 - 0 in Top of the 4th. No hits given up by Willis, but a few walks. Let's see how the rest of this plays out!