Tigers Trade Grilli, Leave Opening for Pitcher I Hate Most

In the season of ultimate futility, the Tigers would constantly trot out a pitcher who did nothing but give up runs (pwdnbgur). I distinctly remember being at the park and when they announced he was coming into pitch I declared that the opposing team's lead was going to grow. I go to the bathroom and when I come out, sure enough, a home run had been hit and I cursed and wondered why the hell they ever let this putz pitch? His name was Chris Spurling and I hated him.

The Tigers got wise and ditched his bum-ass, meaning they needed to find a new pwdnbgur, knowing their team wouldn't be complete without him. They found that man in Jason Grilli. He'd come in, give up some runs, (maybe) get some outs, and be replaced. Over the past 4 years I had become comfortable with him in this role, knowing that when his number was called the Tigers were going to lose. Now, he's in Colorado and ready to become a dominant relief pitcher and make both the Tigers and I rue that they ever traded him.

So, that leaves and opening for a new pwdnbgur. Who will it be?

Clay Rapada? Not likely. He likes to get outs.

Todd Jones? While good at giving heart attacks, he's also good at getting saves and only giving up runs that don't end up mattering. I think he's safe.

Aquilino Lopez? He has a sub 0.5 ERA. Unless he starts sucking hard fast, he's also safe.

Denny Bautista? Ugliest player on the team and likes to give up runs (despite what his sub 2.5 ERA says). Inherited runners? They score like whoa on this guy. A distinct possibility.

Bobby Seay? High ERA, but a lefty, so is inherently safe.

Zach Miner? 9.00 ERA (but dropping) thanks to back to back awful outings (9 earned runs in 3 innings) in mid-April. But, he tends to be the "long" relief when our starters do what they do best and give up eleventy runs in half an inning. Not safe.

So, it's either Denny Bautista our Zach Miner. Check back over the following weeks for pwdnbgur competition updates to know who I hate most at any given time. Good luck to both of our contestants and look out for dark horse candidates! Also, fuck Chris Spurling.

Achtung!

The University of Michigan football team has somehow upended history and found a better name than Mister Simpson, Junior Hemingway and Coco Crisp COMBINED.


Shavodrick Beaver.


Awesome.

Game 22 - Granderson is the Man-derson once more!

Granderson is back in the line-up and I'm pleased I can use his name to make puns again. Can the winning streak get to 3 games and get us within 4 games of 500? Let's find out!

Boyfriend gonna get PAID

Jake long, seen HERE making Florida stud Derrick Harvey look like my grandmother, will now be getting $57 million over five years (!!!) to stand in front of fat men, and generally push them around.

He's one of those can't miss draft picks, and I'm glad Parcells saw the inherent manly awesomeness that is built into Mr. Long.

This also makes Long the first Wolverine to be picked number one since Tom Harmon (seen HERE doing everything).

Game 21 - Verlander, don't be an ass.

... and finally pitch well for a game. Please? Thanks. Tigers vs. Rangers, let's go.

Nothing to do with anything

After fulfilling my duties as husband, and taking care of a wife who literally broke herself by coughing (she's now so full of opiates that I couldn't injure her if I tried...and lord knows I have tried my best), I was actually able to get out and play a little golf. Knocked home a birdie on 18, and walked way with a flat 90.

Not bad for the first round of the season, but to be fair, the course really played to my strengths. Which is to say it had wide open fairways, and everything curved to the right. Plus I was golfing alone, so my goals were as follows: 1) Play golf.

Normally, when golfing with others, my priorities skew a bit more towards: 1) Drink until sick. 2) Swing clubs aimlessly at white orbs on ground. 3) Fall out of moving cart.


Also, a man from Ohio named Fitzgerald Toussaint has just committed to Michigan. That's pretty great, and continues the fine tradition of having at least one person on the roster who has a funny name. While he is clearly no Mister Simpson (God, what an amazing name), he and Junior Hemingway are going to have to battle it out next year for the "First Annual Coco Crisp/Milton Bradley Award for Most Hilariously Illogical Name in Sports."

Yes, that's right...the Faccmbamhins. A star studded event that will be held in my basement, emceed by yours truly, and sponsored by the case of Labatts that I will drink alone while playing Wii and watching old episodes of Mythbusters.

Tickets and seating space are going fast, so act soon!


Finally:

Game 17 - Nope, still in the cellar.

Let's see how this one turns out. Hopefully better than last night. Check the comments for my continued descent into madness.