Thursday, March 17, 2011
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
What's a Blog Without Pointless Lists?
Listening to Howard Stern last week, there was a debate over the top ten greatest superhero movies. Howard's stylist Ralph Cirillo decided that Tim Burton's Batman was the greatest superhero movie ever, and that Batman Returns was the second best.
He also put X-Men 3 on the list, and included Rise of the Silver Surfer, thus invalidating any opinion he has about movies.
So, from my view in the cheap seats, here are the 1o Greatest Superhero Movies:
10) Blade - Because he kills vampires in hilarious ways.
9) Superman 2 - It's really campy, but the storyline is great, and Superman doesn't turn back time by simply flying really fast around the earth in the opposite direction that it spins (which would fling us all into space, and kill us all. Plus I hate when Superman controls EVERYTHING). Zod is a great character, and Gene Hackman + Ned Beatty + Christopher Reeves is a strong ensemble.
8) Batman, the Tim Burton version - A classic. I can remember going to see this when I was like 6. Even the soundtrack is great. Still, it's the performances that carry the movie. It's way too campy to be taken too seriously.
7) The Hulk - The Eric Bana version, obviously. It was really underrated, and watching the Hulk just punch stuff and throw tanks into mountains will never get old.
6) X-Men - It's good, but not spectacular. A good way to get things started, and takes itself seriously, which was revolutionary in superhero-dom at the time.
5) Iron Man - Great movie. Not transcendent, but great nonetheless. Robert Downey, Jr. is like the casting call of the century, and the CGI is incredible.
4) Superman Returns - A lot of people hated it, but I thought it brought together all of the elements that make Superman great, and tied it up in a neat little Christ allegory package (a necessity for any good Superman story arc). Brian Singer is an amazing director, and his craft and love for the story shines through. He makes Superman seem like an alien struggling to understand and emulate humanity...which is exactly the point of Superman. Plus Kevin Spacey saves all of his greatest performances for Brian Singer movies (see also: The Usual Suspects). Highly underrated, and really destroyed Singer's street cred with the great unwashed. Still, I'm glad he made this. It helped soften the blow of not getting to see him direct X-Men 3 (which was probably the worst movie I've ever seen in a theater...and I was hammered when I saw it).
3) Spider-Man - The first of the superhero movies to actually elicit raw emotions from me. It's great to see something from a comic come to life so faithfully on the big screen. Plus, when you're a nerdy kid, it gives you a sense of hope, that maybe, just maybe, one day I'll be bitten by something that will make me awesome. Still waiting, by the way...
2) Batman Begins - Christopher Nolan is another great director that took his time with something spectacular. While the microwave cannon of doom made no sense, that didn't matter, because he had already given us an hour and a half of Bruce Wayne first turning himself into an ass-kicking badass, and then turning himself into an ass-kicking badass who wears a suit that makes him look like a giant Bat Man. I think this was probably the first of the superhero movies that actually gave an honest look at the alter ego of the superhero, even when it wasn't pretty.
1) X-Men 2 - This is still my all time favorite superhero movie, simply because it's perfectly paced, it's full of action, adventure, intrigue, and a cliffhanger that had me squealing in my seat like a 12 year old girl at a Jonas Brothers concert (too bad the beautiful cliffhanger baby had to come out as a miscarried pile of goo that somehow gave the world an airborne version of Super AIDS). This was everything a great Marvel story arc had. Plus it gave you glimpses of things that were still to come, like when the government attacked the School for the Gifted, and we got a two minute glimpse of Colossus, it was like Singer was saying: "Hey, look everyone. After I get done kissing this cute guy I picked up, I'm going to direct a movie where you'll get to see a lot more of this cool character!" It made the audience simultaneously excited to see Colossus, and excited about the prospect of future Colossus sightings down the line. That's skill!
I'll also say that the sequence where Wolverine starts flipping out and killing all of the soldiers may have aroused me slightly. It was exactly what the audience wanted to happen, and there it was, in wonderful technicolor splendor right in front of us. It was an X-Men fan's dream come to silver screen life.
So let's hear it: where did I go wrong?
He also put X-Men 3 on the list, and included Rise of the Silver Surfer, thus invalidating any opinion he has about movies.
So, from my view in the cheap seats, here are the 1o Greatest Superhero Movies:
10) Blade - Because he kills vampires in hilarious ways.
9) Superman 2 - It's really campy, but the storyline is great, and Superman doesn't turn back time by simply flying really fast around the earth in the opposite direction that it spins (which would fling us all into space, and kill us all. Plus I hate when Superman controls EVERYTHING). Zod is a great character, and Gene Hackman + Ned Beatty + Christopher Reeves is a strong ensemble.
8) Batman, the Tim Burton version - A classic. I can remember going to see this when I was like 6. Even the soundtrack is great. Still, it's the performances that carry the movie. It's way too campy to be taken too seriously.
7) The Hulk - The Eric Bana version, obviously. It was really underrated, and watching the Hulk just punch stuff and throw tanks into mountains will never get old.
6) X-Men - It's good, but not spectacular. A good way to get things started, and takes itself seriously, which was revolutionary in superhero-dom at the time.
5) Iron Man - Great movie. Not transcendent, but great nonetheless. Robert Downey, Jr. is like the casting call of the century, and the CGI is incredible.
4) Superman Returns - A lot of people hated it, but I thought it brought together all of the elements that make Superman great, and tied it up in a neat little Christ allegory package (a necessity for any good Superman story arc). Brian Singer is an amazing director, and his craft and love for the story shines through. He makes Superman seem like an alien struggling to understand and emulate humanity...which is exactly the point of Superman. Plus Kevin Spacey saves all of his greatest performances for Brian Singer movies (see also: The Usual Suspects). Highly underrated, and really destroyed Singer's street cred with the great unwashed. Still, I'm glad he made this. It helped soften the blow of not getting to see him direct X-Men 3 (which was probably the worst movie I've ever seen in a theater...and I was hammered when I saw it).
3) Spider-Man - The first of the superhero movies to actually elicit raw emotions from me. It's great to see something from a comic come to life so faithfully on the big screen. Plus, when you're a nerdy kid, it gives you a sense of hope, that maybe, just maybe, one day I'll be bitten by something that will make me awesome. Still waiting, by the way...
2) Batman Begins - Christopher Nolan is another great director that took his time with something spectacular. While the microwave cannon of doom made no sense, that didn't matter, because he had already given us an hour and a half of Bruce Wayne first turning himself into an ass-kicking badass, and then turning himself into an ass-kicking badass who wears a suit that makes him look like a giant Bat Man. I think this was probably the first of the superhero movies that actually gave an honest look at the alter ego of the superhero, even when it wasn't pretty.
1) X-Men 2 - This is still my all time favorite superhero movie, simply because it's perfectly paced, it's full of action, adventure, intrigue, and a cliffhanger that had me squealing in my seat like a 12 year old girl at a Jonas Brothers concert (too bad the beautiful cliffhanger baby had to come out as a miscarried pile of goo that somehow gave the world an airborne version of Super AIDS). This was everything a great Marvel story arc had. Plus it gave you glimpses of things that were still to come, like when the government attacked the School for the Gifted, and we got a two minute glimpse of Colossus, it was like Singer was saying: "Hey, look everyone. After I get done kissing this cute guy I picked up, I'm going to direct a movie where you'll get to see a lot more of this cool character!" It made the audience simultaneously excited to see Colossus, and excited about the prospect of future Colossus sightings down the line. That's skill!
I'll also say that the sequence where Wolverine starts flipping out and killing all of the soldiers may have aroused me slightly. It was exactly what the audience wanted to happen, and there it was, in wonderful technicolor splendor right in front of us. It was an X-Men fan's dream come to silver screen life.
So let's hear it: where did I go wrong?
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
Hellllllo Los Angeles Football Team
This may be the funniest news I've ever read, for an organization that I have a natural hatred for:
FALCONS SIGN RYAN TO $72 MILLION DOLLAR CONTRACT WITH $35 GUARANTEED
This is hilarious for several reasons:
1) He's going to "compete" with Joey Harrington and Chris Redman for the starting job. This is like saying I "compete" with bull-frogs in a knot tying contest. No, actually, it's akin to saying that I will "compete" with Joey Harrington and Chris Redman for the starting job in Atlanta. I would actually give the bull-frogs a slight chance.
2) His first pass will be an interception.
4) The Falcons, after four straight 0 win seasons, will be forced to start an aging Joey Harrington, pinning their hopes on the great white hope from Oregon. Three weeks later, they will steal away in the middle of the night, like the Baltimore Colts, and suddenly arrive in Los Angeles.
5) Michael Vick will have been ass raped thirteen times and shanked twice in the prison yard by this time.
FALCONS SIGN RYAN TO $72 MILLION DOLLAR CONTRACT WITH $35 GUARANTEED
This is hilarious for several reasons:
1) He's going to "compete" with Joey Harrington and Chris Redman for the starting job. This is like saying I "compete" with bull-frogs in a knot tying contest. No, actually, it's akin to saying that I will "compete" with Joey Harrington and Chris Redman for the starting job in Atlanta. I would actually give the bull-frogs a slight chance.
2) His first pass will be an interception.
3) I will be the first to post an animated gif of him throwing the ball into the ass of his lineman/a player from the opposing team, or perhaps hitting himself in the head with the ball (see: THIS).
4) The Falcons, after four straight 0 win seasons, will be forced to start an aging Joey Harrington, pinning their hopes on the great white hope from Oregon. Three weeks later, they will steal away in the middle of the night, like the Baltimore Colts, and suddenly arrive in Los Angeles.
5) Michael Vick will have been ass raped thirteen times and shanked twice in the prison yard by this time.
Saturday, May 10, 2008
HA HA! Women "drivers."
Danica Patrick went from being the first woman to win a major Indy Car race in history to becoming the 1950's era stereotype of a panicky, "which one is the gas?" style woman driver in about a week. That's some turnaround!
EXCUSE ME, WHICH WAY IS THE MALL!?!?
Danica, pictured here, is obviously distressed:
And just to be sure that we're all perfectly clear on this, the driving hierarchy remains as so:
1) White (not of hispanic origin) men, Black men, Black women, Hispanics, Slavs, some sort of moderately intelligent ape, and properly trained sewer rats.
2) Women.
Oh, and yes, I am going to Hell for all of this.
EXCUSE ME, WHICH WAY IS THE MALL!?!?
Danica, pictured here, is obviously distressed:
And just to be sure that we're all perfectly clear on this, the driving hierarchy remains as so:
1) White (not of hispanic origin) men, Black men, Black women, Hispanics, Slavs, some sort of moderately intelligent ape, and properly trained sewer rats.
2) Women.
Oh, and yes, I am going to Hell for all of this.
Saturday, May 3, 2008
This Post Is About Robots
When the robots take control in 2010 (or maybe 2112), and our glorious robot overlords start turning people into machines, this is what I will become:
That robot basically does what I do every day anyway. Hitting things with sticks in rhythm? Check. Running into walls? Check. Falling off of ledges? Check. Almost spilling cranberry juice all over the floor? You butter believe it. Simply replace the human hand in the video with the iron fist of my cold, unfeeling robot master, and you have my future.
Oh, and because I'm supposed to post something about sports or dogs or whatever:
That robot basically does what I do every day anyway. Hitting things with sticks in rhythm? Check. Running into walls? Check. Falling off of ledges? Check. Almost spilling cranberry juice all over the floor? You butter believe it. Simply replace the human hand in the video with the iron fist of my cold, unfeeling robot master, and you have my future.
Oh, and because I'm supposed to post something about sports or dogs or whatever:
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